Improve the Emotional Health of Your Marriage
There is no such thing as marriage problems! Marriage does NOT create problems, it only brings out the problems that each person brought with them into the marriage.
We always marry a person who is at the same level of emotional health as ourselves.
We always marry a person with the same basic emotional needs and issues that we have but theirs are usually expressed in a different manner.
The old saying about “opposites attract” applies only to the outward behavior.
For your marriage to be healthier …..
Step 1 – You have to believe that you can change, that your spouse can change and that your marriage can change for the better.
“I have found the enemy and the enemy is me.” – Pogo
- You have to change first! Then your spouse and the marriage will change
- As long as you believe that your spouse is the problem, things will not change for the better
- When we start believing that “this is as good as it will ever be,” we have given up hope.
Step 2 – You have to accept responsibility for your own emotions.
- No one can make you “feel” any particular way. That includes your spouse.
- Your emotions come from inside you. They may be triggered by external events but they are not caused by external input. They are yours alone.
- You choose how you will “feel.” ---- [explain path through the brain] – (pain from the past)
- Taking responsibility for your emotions and choices promotes emotional maturity. It is the same thing as “confession” in the spiritual arena.
- Release the pain of not getting everything you want and do not get – accept God’s goodness and plan for you
Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV) 11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
- Do you resent your spouse? Resentment is the result of expecting something and not receiving it. It results from not truly loving.
- When you give up on the relationship, you do not believe it will change – men usually quit caring and women stop trusting.
- Are you willing to accept your spouse as he/she is and not necessarily exactly what you want them to be? God gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want.
Step 3 – It is not good for you to be alone –
Genesis 2:18 (KJV) 18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet (counterpart help) for him.
- When you shut yourself off from your spouse by not communicating, that is not good for you or your spouse. God gave us the gift of speech so that we could communicate.
- We only truly “become one” when we share our emotions and hearts and activities with each other
Step 4 – Do things God’s way
- God’s directions for our lives are to help us avoid pain, not to cause us pain.
- Marriage problems began when Adam hid from Eve. When he hid from God, he was also hiding from Eve. This also demonstrates that the marriage relationship is a good measure of the husband/God relationship.
- How does your relationship measure up?
- The intimacy that first couple had became enmity. Rather than Eve being his help, he began to blame her for his choices – his fear, his feelings, his behavior rather than taking personal responsibility.
- Genesis 3:7 (KJV) 7And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew (to know by seeing) that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons (armour).
What happened here?
They took their eyes off of the other person and focused on themselves. The PMS problem – “poor me syndrome.” As soon as they developed the PMS, they put on their armor. Is that what happens in your marriage? Do you become defensive?
When we are defensive, we are hiding from the other person.
They started the “Blame Game.” Are you playing the “Blame Game” in your marriage?
Genesis 3:12 (KJV) 12And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
When we blame our spouse, we are blaming God -------- or the devil (devil made me do it, one of God’s creations)
Genesis 3:13 (KJV) 13And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
Adam taught her to blame someone/something else. She was not a blonde, she was a fast learner.
Neither one was willing to take responsibility for his/her own choices ---- and we do choose our emotions as well as our behaviors.
Hurt people hurt people. Hurting people hurt people. When your spouse hurts you, do you try to discover what their pain is or do you just retaliate by hurting them? Or do you just hide from them?
Retaliation is usually known as defensiveness and revenge. That is focusing on yourself rather than the other person. Love is all about focus on the other person.
So what is the result of the “Blame Game?”
Genesis 3:16 (KJV) 16Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire (a desire to rule over/control) shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule (power/control) over thee.
The game is a struggle for power and control over the other person while not taking personal responsibility. This can be done in many ways --- silence, withholding sex or money,, overspending, arguments, etc.
Ephesians 5:21 (KJV) 21Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Power and control are always a substitute for love!
If you always blame your spouse for what happens, you will sentence yourself to a life of bitterness and a lack of joy. It says that you do not know how to love.
It is not natural for us to take responsibility for our feelings and behavior at the time. It takes love and understanding to do otherwise. We have a choice.
Part of taking responsibility is admitting when you are wrong. It is about valuing your spouse and their feelings higher than yourself.
:
Philippians 2:3 (KJV) 3Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
You see, when we put our spouse first, we will not strive against each other. Also, we are not to fuss and fight. Are you guilty of violating this command of the Lord?
How much of your behavior is done out of strife or vainglory?
Do you believe what you are doing is wrong?
You are playing the blame game if you are ----
1. Being defensive – do not receive correction/improvement comments from spouse - #2 predictor of divorce
2. Critical spirit toward spouse – accusing spouse of being in error, your spouse is the problem -- #1 predictor of divorce
3. Hopeless mentality – thinking/feeling the marriage was a mistake – feeling/acting like a victim
Are you willing to take responsibility for your part in every problem? Or are you making your spouse the problem? It takes two parties to have a disagreement.
Taking responsibility promotes emotional maturity. Not taking it keeps one emotionally immature.
You are not shaped by what happens to you but how you choose to respond to those events.
You cannot control what happens but you are in complete control of what goes on inside you emotionally.
When you play the blame game, you are disobeying God’s command in these verses.
Romans 12:10 (KJV) 10Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
Romans 12:14 (KJV) 14Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.
One of God’s purposes for your spouse in this marriage is to force you to grow up. They do this by showing you where you need to change.
You always marry a person at the same level of dominance/submission.
Example -- In other words, one may be needy and the other one needs to be needed. So, which one is more needy?
Or one has a need to be in control and the other needs to be controlled. Who has the bigger problem?
What was it inside you that drove you to marry the person that you did?
1 Corinthians 11:7 (KJV) 7For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory (reflection) of God: but the woman is the glory (reflection) of the man.
This passage tells us that the man is a reflection of his God and the woman is a reflection of her husband.
If your wife is not the person you want her to be and you have been married 5 years or more, it is because of the way that you have been treating her. Women are responders.
Ladies you can change your husbands by doing things God’s way (1 Pet. 3:1) and men, the same is true for you (1 Pet. 3:7).
Emotionally healthy people can do the right thing even when those around them are doing all the wrong things.
Christ took total responsibility for everything you do/did wrong and it killed Him. Why did He do that? That was real love.
Why don’t you take total responsibility for what your spouse does wrong?
Galatians 5:15 (KJV) 15But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another.
:
Galatians 5:25 (KJV) 25If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
Are you walking in the Spirit in your marriage?
Think about your marriage as an automobile engine. The engine is what moves the automobile forward. What happens when the engine has no oil? The same thing happens to your marriage when you do not walk in the Spirit (oil).
“Walking in the spirit” means to let God’s word and Spirit control everything in our lives rather than letting our emotions control our choices and lives.
In other words, to have an emotional healthy marriage, you have to choose to let God control your reactions to your spouse. Doing this is exercising real faith in God.
2 Corinthians 3:17 (KJV) 17Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.
Why don’t we do marriage God’s way? Because deep down we do not believe God will look after our best interests.
:
Ephesians 2:3 (KJV) 3Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.
You will either choose to let the Holy Spirit control your emotions, or your spouse will control your emotions.
Whom do you trust more with your emotions? God or your spouse? Whom do you choose to control them?
Your marriage will never be emotionally healthier than you are as an individual.
Review ----
Step 1 – Believe that you can change
Step 2 - Take personal responsibility for your own emotions
Step 3 – Don’t be alone in the marriage
Step 4 – Do marriage God’s way
E. Dixon Murrah
May 13, 2007
(Rev. September 12, 2007)
[Some ideas suggested by Jimmy Adams,, John Gray, John Gottman]
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