The Most Common Problem
In over 20 years of helping couples with marriage problems, the most frequent problem that I have encountered is that caused by premarital sex. A couple does not have to go “all the way” for it to be a problem in their relationship. If either person “felt” that his/her personal boundaries had been violated during the dating process, it can be a problem.
The most apparent effect of premarital sex is that of a loss of trust between the two people. Many times they do not even realize that they do not trust each other. This loss of trust is displayed in various ways. The most prominent complaint is that of “we just can’t seem to communicate any more.” Along with that would be a lot of arguments and disagreements which do not get resolved. Another very common one is problems in terms of finances like, “she is always charging too much on the credit card” or “he never lists checks that he writes.” This loss of trust usually leads to a deterioration of their sex life also.
It is interesting that secular psychology recognizes premarital sex as a real problem but they do not advertise it or comment on it publicly. In fact some psychological text books spend their first chapter discussing and illustrating the problem.
The best way that I have found to deal with this problem is to;
- Recognize that it is a problem,
- Admit that it was wrong
- Take personal and total responsibility for it and
- Ask the other person’s forgiveness.
The way I have the couple do is by having them sit facing each other, holding hands and looking each other in the eyes during this activity. I have the man begin by having him say in his own words, provided he means it, “The premarital sex/activity/petting was wrong.” At times I have had them tell me that they did not see it as wrong, in which case I would have to show them what God says about it.
The next step is to have the man say, “I take full responsibility for it.” Sometimes the man would say that she started it or something like that and I would have to have him take full responsibility out of love for her. To encourage him, I would point out how Jesus took full responsibility for our sins and it resulted in His death. He did all that just because he loved us.
Then I have the man ask his wife’s forgiveness. After that I have the wife say the same things to her husband and mean them.
There is nothing magic about the words, these are just the things and process that God expects us to do – confess whenever we break His rules, accept full responsibility for our actions and seek forgiveness of those whom we have wronged.
Going through this exercise begins a healing process.
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