Relationship and Communication
What is “relationship?”
1 : the state of being related or interrelated <studied the relationship between the variables>
2 : the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a : KINSHIP b : a specific instance or type of kinship
3 a : a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings <had a good relationship with his family> b : a romantic or passionate attachment
It is the manner in which we interact with the other person. A large part of how we interact is through communication. It is impossible to not communicate, therefore we must be careful what/how we communicate.
Studies show that the average American couple spends less than 30 minutes each week in real communication.
What is communication?
There are verbal means, such as speaking or singing, and nonverbal, physical means, such as body language, sign language, paralanguage, touch or eye contact.
Communication happens at many levels (even for one single interaction), in many different ways, and for all beings, and some machines
Amos 3:3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
You cannot go through life as a couple without being in agreement and communicating.
“No one would talk much in society if they knew how often they misunderstood others.” - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
During the transmitting of the message, two processes will be received by the receiver: content and context. Content is the actual words or symbols of the message which is known as language - the spoken and written words combined into phrases that make grammatical and semantic sense. We all use and interpret the meanings of words differently, so even simple messages can be misunderstood.
Context is the way the message is delivered and is known as Paralanguage - it includes the tone of voice, the look in the sender's eye's, body language, hand gestures, and state of emotions (anger, fear, uncertainty, confidence, etc.) that can be detected.
We tend to trust our eyes more than our ears. – Your actions speak so loud that I cannot hear what you are saying.
“Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.” - Freeman Teague, Jr.
Focusing on ourselves, rather than the other person is what usually leads to confusion and conflict in a relationship. This also expresses a lack of real love.
Listening is a selective activity which involves the reception and the interpretation of aural stimuli. It involves decoding the sound into meaning.
It requires that the listener attends to the words and the feelings of the sender for understanding.
It takes the same amount or more energy than speaking. It requires the receiver to hear the various messages, understand the meaning, and then verify the meaning by offering feedback.
Phillipians 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
“Without knowing the force of words it is impossible to know men." - Confucius
To deliver the full impact of a message, we use nonverbal behaviors to raise the channel of interpersonal communication:
Poor communication destroys relationship!
Does it seem as though you can never have a discussion with your spouse or friend without arguing? Have you ever taken the time to consider what lies beneath the surface of your arguments? Poor communication can wear down the relationship to the place where there is no motivation to keep it strong.
Song of Solomon 2:15 Take (hold back, bar) us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil (pervert) the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.
Relationship experts have identified four main relational "little foxes" that creep into and destroy relationships.
Good communication skills are an expression of love. On the other hand, a lack of good communication skills usually indicates that one does NOT know how to truly love.
The first "little fox" is Withdrawal. One does this by becoming silent or one spouse closes the other person out after an argument starts. For example, statements like: "End of discussion; it's over."
Always set up a time to continue the discussion if you have to end it without an agreement.
James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
1 Thes. 5:17 Pray without ceasing.
1 Cor. 13: 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
The second "little fox" is Escalation. This is when a person starts defending or trying to win an argument. Here, he or she volleys back and forth with shame and defensive statements. Statements like: "It's your fault that he talks to me like that, you're a great example!" dominate the discussion.
Usually the result of a poor self image and especially a “need to be right.”
1 Cor. 13:5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Eph. 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
The third "little fox" is Belittling. Here, one mate accuses the other of being "dumb" or "stupid" in his or her thinking or feelings. Somehow, one person is trying to belittle the other and prove that he or she is better than the other is. With this little fox come statements like: "That's the dumbest statement I've ever heard" or even name calling.
Name calling has been found to be the best predictor of divorce.
Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
1 Cor. 13:4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth (boast) not itself, is not puffed up,
The fourth "little fox" is Exaggerated or False Beliefs. Here, one mate may believe the other is trying to ruin or weaken the marriage or friendship on purpose by making broad statements like: "You're always including your family. They've been between us our whole married life!" "Why bring him, we were doing this tonight alone?" “Always” and “never” are pretty good clues that this is happening.
Our memory plays tricks on us. We tend to remember those things that were emotional, good or bad. And even then, the mind may “bend” the facts.
Don't let your communication degrade into one of these four responses! One of the best ways to keep from doing the wrong thing is to thank God for the disagreement and the way your spouse is responding,
Eph. 5:20 Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;
1 Cor. 13:8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
Do any of these interfere with your communication with God?
Real love communicates properly ----- does yours?
Rev. E. Dixon Murrah
7/20/2007
(Rev. September 12, 2007 )
[Basic idea suggested by Gary Smalley]
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